"The First Time" - Storytime

This is a story I have never told anyone. Not even to my closest friends, because its a hard one.

Some folks with a context of my history are aware of a relationship I was in with a person for a few years. (For the sake of this post, we will be referring to them as Elizabeth, or Liz).

Whenever I talk about that relationship, I talk mostly about the good times we have had, for which there were many. However, like all relationships, it had it's ups and downs.

This is the story about how Liz had to rescue me from my inner thoughts for the first time.

Some context of those who don't know, physical touch and affection has always been a comfort for me. I only let those who I deeply trust hug or cuddle me because it's so soothing that I basically shut down and take in the moment.

This story takes place in December of 2016, so this is the beginning of my sophomore year of high school.

I was taking the bus home from school one day whenever I heard a commotion about a kid at our school who had perfect attendance not show up for a day. I figured that it was nobody I knew and went along with my day. I go to school the next day and there's a school psychologist sitting in the chair next to mine in my 2nd period class. I thought, "weird, Kyle is not here, and his chair is taken. do I say something? or do I wait."

I waited, and once the bell rang, I said to them, "Hey, theres typically a kid who sits there. Not sure if they are here today, but warning you in case they come in."

They replied, "They aren't here today. You'll be learning why here in a few minutes."

At the time, I was taking 10th grade English for my 2nd period, so I grabbed my stuff for that class like the others and the teacher got up and said that we weren't doing any classwork today, and that the principal is on his way to chat with us.

The Principal walks in, and the psychologist gets up to stand next to him.

He then told the class the following.

"Good morning, I understand that this is a bit confusing. Trust me, it is for us too. I am here to speak with you all today before we announce this to the rest of the school later on. Your classmate Kyle is no longer a student here, as he unfortunately passed away a few nights ago. The circumstances around his death are being kept close to the chest by the family, and we ask that you do not pressure them for any more details."

I personally didn't call Kyle much of a friend in the sense that we hung out after school and stuff, but I still gave a shit about him. He would vent to me about stuff and I would listen and give advice, and we hung out at lunch every Friday (because thats when our schedules lined up).

The part that hit me the most was the timing, as a few month prior was the passing of a closer friend who took their own life after hours and hours of myself and Liz trying to walk them off that ledge.

I was done. I didn't want to live with the weight of dead friends. I got really low, and Liz could tell that something was wrong.

I told Liz that I was going straight home and going to bed that day (typically during that time I would spend Thursdays and Fridays at her place for a bit, then head home).

The truth is, I didn't go home. I went to a place that I would go to so I could meditate. While I was there I found myself contemplating self-immolation using the campfire pit and some embers that were still burning.

Meanwhile with Liz, she had notifications set up on her phone that told her if I was at home or not. She noticed that I wasn't home and decided to check my location. She realized I was at that park and went over there immediately.

When she got there, she saw me starting at the burning embers. I then heard screaming. I don't remember exactly what she was saying, something about lying to her about where I was going to be.

I just kept staring, and then I started to reach for the embers.

She saw what I was doing and grabbed my arm. She yanked it away asking what I was doing and started crying whenever she looked at me in the eyes and realized what I had almost done.

She started to hug me as tight as she could and I shut down. I started crying in her arms and she took me back to her place as I explained to her what happened that day.

That was one of the darkest days of our relationship. It was after that night we both took a oath where we said the following:

"We have a duty to the ones we lost to remember them, because there is no one else who would. What we just witnessed must never happen again as long as we coexist on this earth."

After that, there wasn't anymore incidents involving me coming close to the edge like that.

Until 2 years later, when the bond of the oath didn't apply anymore.

That's an entirely different story, however.

I am going to bed

Note for the reader: names and elements of the story have been changed to protect the privacy of the writer and anyone mentioned in the story. None of the changes affect the outcome.